


romanesque

by AnimaEl



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Grieving, Loss, Solomon singularity spoilers, Symbolisms, ibaraki gets mentioned like just once, my best murderchild gets a cameo, set before epic of remnant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 05:35:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17380574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimaEl/pseuds/AnimaEl
Summary: She hopes that she could live up to his name.aka Gudako's journey in dealing with Feelings™





	romanesque

Roman's absence weights on her.

The heaviness in her chest threatens to drown her even when she has more than enough space to breathe now.

The incineration of humanity has been diverted and the world is safe.

But she _aches._

His final smile burns bright every time behind her closed eyelids. It burns her together with her tears.

It's stupid. He had looked so cool back then, in the backdrop of the crumbling temple that time cannot touch, that bumbling fool of a chicken doctor who was always at the butt end of her jokes, and yet—

At that moment, his eyes had blazed with such unwavering resolve.

The punchline of this cruel joke is one that she cannot laugh at.

She can still see him like this; his eyes, his nose, his smile. His fluffy hair untouched and pristine as he fades from reality soundlessly, seamlessly, as if he was never there.

But she is the proof, isn't she? She's only here now because of him. The whole of humanity is _proof._

But a part of her still seethes and simmers and rages. _It's not fair._  It's childish. It's grieving. It screams and yells and cries like a child and she cannot quell it still. It keeps seeping through her in torrential streams and she tastes salt running down her face and still _she cannot stop it._

She doesn't want to open her eyes.

The dark, almost barren room comforts her coldly from a distance. It's a silent sentinel, standing between herself and a reality she hasn't yet enough strength to face. She needs this. She doesn't want to see Mash. She doesn't want to see Da Vinci. She doesn't want to see concern etched into their faces on top of the pressure the Mage Association has been exerting on them. She doesn't want to acknowledge how close she had been to losing her kouhai. How she _had_  lost her, even if she is miraculously back in one piece afterwards.

She's tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some kind of complications to happen to Mash's body, for the very real possibility of the Mage Association dismissing their year-long struggles and pinning the incident on Chaldea as some act of terrorism.

Just for another cruel punchline in an endless litany of cruel jokes.

* * *

 

Something wet touches her face.

"Senpai?"

Something is shaking her gently.

"Senpai, wake up."

"Fou, fou."

The hand shaking her shoulder is getting firmer now.

"Senpai, please wake up. We need to resume cleaning up the facility."

She doesn't want to wake up. She doesn't want to open her eyes.

"Senpai?" A touch of concern.

But her precious kouhai is calling. She needs to wake up before she worries her more.

A cool hand presses against her forehead. Too late, she thinks.

She cracks her eyes open only to immediately slam them shut. She groans. The fluorescent lights pierces right through onto a pounding headache that she didn't realise was there. Her throat feels dry. Her whole body aches and there's a crick in her neck. Did she sleep leaning onto the wall last night?

Another cool hand joins to cup her cheek. She leans into it. She knows these hands like the back of her own. These are the hands she held, soft and calloused at the same time. The hands that took up the shield to protect her.

The hand whose grasp she lost, once.

She feels a shadow moving closer to block the light and squints up to see Mash worriedly gazing at her. "Senpai, you're exhibiting signs of fatigue and dehydration. You might have a light fever too... Excuse me."

She hears more than sees the clack of glasses on the floor before the hand on her forehead is replaced by her kouhai's own forehead. This close, she can only peer into the violet eyes similarly staring into her uninhibited, flecks of lilac and pink refracted in her gaze.

This close, and she's once again brought back to that moment, to that same gaze bathed in the light—

_"I was always the one that was protected_

_So at least once, I wanted to be useful to—"_

"Senpai?" She almost missed the call. Mash is already up on her feet, her glasses perched back on her nose. She still looks perturbed. Her brows are furrowed. She wants to poke them and smooth it out, but her body feels heavy. The light is no longer blocked by Mash's shadow, so she closes her eyes again. She needs to get up soon.

"You don't seem to have a fever," she hears her kouhai mumble. Fou snuffles into her hand, licking her fingertips.

"Wait here, senpai. I'll get some water and medicine for you. I'll get Da Vinci to do a check up on you too..." She trails off. "Come to think of it, we haven't given you the daily check-ups after we... After the time temple was neutralised. Everyone has been busy cleaning."

"Mmhm." Gudako yawns, rubbing her crusty eyes. "It's fine Mash, you don't need to. It's just a headache. Shouldn't have been sleeping on the floor." Her voice is croaky and grating on her ears. Dammit.

She picks up the blanket she probably kicked away in her sleep and hefts herself up. Her knees groan when she wobbles to a stand and she winces. Mash dutifully lends her a hand to steady herself. She squints at the well-lit room scattered with a variety of her half-boxed personal paraphernalia and sighs to herself.

"Senpai..." Mash hovers with concern behind her. "We can continue tomorrow if you're not feeling well. You should go see DaVinci first, or drink some medicine. You might be coming down with something."

"It's fine, it's fine." Another jaw-cracking yawn forces itself out of her mouth. Gudako tastes the sourness in her mouth and frowns. Ugh, she needs to brush her teeth, quick. "I just didn't really sleep well last night."

"If you say so, senpai." Mash reluctantly acquiesced. "Then I'll leave you to it. I'll be cleaning in the storage room if you want to come and find me."

"Alright," she nods, gaze following her kouhai and Fou as they head for the door. Mash suddenly pauses in her step.

"Senpai," she turns back towards her. There is still palpable concern in her eyes shining through her glasses. "You know that I'm here for you if you have anything you need to talk about, right?"

Gudako smiles softly at her. It's the best smile that she can muster right now. "Of course, Mash."

Her kouhai returns her smile—earnest as she comes, bless her—and steps out of the room.

The moment the door closes, her own smile slides off of her face.

She leans heavily on the cold wall. She closes her eyes and tries to remember the sensation of the hand on her forehead. She wants to say, _stay._  But she doesn't.

 _Ahh, what an idiot_ , she thinks at herself.

His image still lingers behind her eyelids.

* * *

 

The doctor's personal belongings fit into two boxes. One consists of several books of various topics, stationaries, and his spare uniforms. The other box consists of an astonishing collection of Magi*Mari merchandise and a jar of colourful konpeito she found on the top of a cupboard in the med-bay.

They are, somewhat troublingly, a rather accurate summation of his life.

She stacks them up, one on top of the other, and carries them to the storage room on her own. The hallways are bare, only a handful of staff waving at her as she passes by them, sending knowing looks at the box with a Magi*Mari figurine poking out of it.

She is debating on taking one of the figurines home with her when she finds herself in front of the storage room. She kicks lightly at the door and it slides open, illuminating Mash kneeling by a shelf of folders. Her kouhai looks up at her. Her eyes light up. "Senpai! Are you done cleaning up your room?"

"Pretty much," Gudako shrugs and places the boxes down gently next to the new year's decorations. Mash's eyes softens at the sight of the Magi*Mari figurines. "I don't know where to put the doctor's belongings, so I brought them here."

Quieter, she admits, "I don't want them to get thrown away."

Her kouhai's hand finds hers, and she squeezes. "Me too, senpai. Maybe we should keep the figurines. The doctor would like that, I think."

"Dibs on that one." She immediately points at the Magi*Mari in a two-piece swimsuit. Mash lets out a startled laugh and hits her lightly on the arm. "Senpai!"

"What? It looks nice." It looks like a genderbent Merlin in a swimsuit posing cutely. She wonders how much the doctor was in denial about it. Maybe he actually had a thing for Merlin...?

Her smile fades. That train of thought can no longer bear fruit to anything, now.

"Senpai?" Mash squeezes her hand in askance.

"Ah," she blinks. "It's nothing. Oh yeah, I found this too." She rummages the box with her other hand for the jar of konpeito. The candies sparkle like mini saint quartz in the dim light.

Mash's eyes immediately light up. "It looks pretty! Senpai, are those candies?"

She smiles at her kouhai's enthusiasm, secretly relieved at sufficiently distracting her. "Yeah, they're called konpeito."

She hugs the jar to her chest with one arm. "It'd be a waste not to eat them. I'm sure he won't mind if we share them with everyone."

"Yes, we should share them with everyone." Mash nods, the smile remaining on her face. She dusts off her skirt and heads to the door, tugging on Gudako's arm. "Then let's go, senpai. We should save some for the staff first before we go to the servants. Ibaraki-douji might end up eating all of them."

"That's true!" She laughs as she falls into step with her kouhai. She links their fingers together, squeezes her hand affectionately.

The door closes behind them.

* * *

 

"Mommy, mommy, the kon-pay-toh candy is yummy!"

"It's called konpeito, Jack." She ruffles the child servant's hair fondly. "Is it really that good?"

"Mommy, you didn't take some?" Jack demands, pouting. They pick one from their own portion and pushes it to her lips. "We'll feed you one! Say ahhh~"

Gudako laughs good-naturedly. "Okay, okay, wait Jack." The pale pink konpeito glistens under the light. It almost looks too pretty to eat. She opens her mouth with a bit of exaggeration. "Aaahhh~"

Jack plops the candy into her mouth with a flourish. They giggle. "How is it, mommy? It's yummy, right?"

Gudako closes her eyes and smiles. It's sweet and nostalgic. "Yeah, it's really yummy."

It's sakura flavored.

* * *

 

"Senpai?"

Gudako looks away from the window to see Mash walk towards her. She pats the seat beside her. "What's up, Mash? Having trouble sleeping?"

Her kouhai shakes her head as she sits beside her. The clear starry skies illuminates her smiling face. "I just wanted to see the stars."

"What a coincidence." She drapes the blankets she brought earlier onto herself and Mash and scoots closer. She links their hands together underneath the blankets. "It's a beautiful night."

"Yes," she softly replies. "I almost forgot how the night sky looked like without the bands of light in it."

Gudako squeezes her hand gently. "Yeah," her voice goes hushed. The stars hang where they are, pristine and undisturbed in the canvas of a night sky, no circle of light cutting into them. "But we did it, Mash. It's thanks to Doctor Roman too. This sky is the proof that we all succeeded."

"Yes, senpai." A pause, and she hears her kouhai sniffle. "I just wish that—that he could be here with us to see it."

She feels her own tears pooling on the corner of her eyes. "Yeah," she swallows. Hiccups. "Me too."

She wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeves and turns her head to face Mash. She wipes off her tears, too. Her violet eyes gazes expectantly at her, still wet with tears.

"That's why," she gives her kouhai a watery smile, cups her face, "we have to show him, wherever he is, that his sacrifice is not in vain. That we can still smile and laugh, despite everything. I'm sure... He'd like that, too."

Tears drip furiously down Mash's cheeks. "Senpai!" She throws herself onto Gudako with a hug. She muffles her face in her shoulder. "You really are kind. The greatest senpai I look up to!"

She returns the hug with a sheepish laugh. Inhales the scent of her kouhai's shampoo, just relishing in her presence. She feels her own tears soak into the fabric. "Really? Personally I just think that I'm an idiot."

She feels Mash shake her head furiously into her shoulder and laughs in the earnest.

Yes, they will be alright.

* * *

 

From her place at the end of the corridor, Da Vinci dabs her teary eyes. "You should see them now, Roman."

She smiles at the sight. "They really would make you proud."

**Author's Note:**

> whew  
> this is literally the first fic I've actually finished and posted in like. 4 years. wow.
> 
> the itch to write finally got over me and i spent the whole day just writing this.
> 
> actually i've been wanting to write this fic ever since i got spoiled from jp about a year ago _cough_ but doing solomon in na finally relighted those feels again so.
> 
> anyway pls pls give me feedbacks in the comments, they are my lifeblood.


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